‘When was the last time you did something for the first time?’

For you who read The Naked Traveler by Trinity, you must know that very challenging question as the title of this note. Trinity asked that question to motivate herself travelling around the world. For me, that first time is not merely about going to new places.

Last Thursday, out of nowhere, I woke up with that question stapled in my head. I wanted to do something first that day. The whole day I kept thinking and when I found the answer, I couldn’t wait until time to go home from work.

It was 4 pm when I practically flew from my cubicle in office. I grabbed my bag, combed my hair, and dressed up briefly before I went to Setiabudi One. That place would witness one of my first-time projects:

Watching. Movie. Alone. By. Myself.

I give the pause effect to bring more dramatic impression.

Yes, I want to watch movie by myself. I never do that before. Of course I’ve ever watched movies alone in my room, but this is different. I want to watch it alone in theater. So, it’s kinda big deal for me.

I’ve ever had karaoke alone, I’ve passed surgery by myself, I’ve gone to many places out of Java with nobody but me, but really, watching movie alone in theater is new for me. It needs courage since I’m so used to watch it with friends. It’s the awkwardness that I should fight.

I came to 21 Setiabudi One twenty minutes early before the movie started. I’ve decided to watch 'The Three Musketeers'. I checked the website before so I knew what movie to choose. I groggily went closer to the ticket booth, and a lady with a friendly smile asked how many ticket I’d buy.

'

“One ticket, please,” I felt a glump in my throat when I said that. The ticket booth lady gave me the pity look – or so I thought – before giving me a ticket.

I felt like a person with no friends. In fact, my best friend was out of town that day.

I felt like a person with no lover. In fact, I just haven’t found him yet.

Well... enough for the mellow drama.

Moreover, it’s me who insisted to feel the glorious experience of watching movie alone for the first time, remember?

Since the movie hasn’t started yet, I sat in a sofa and pretended busy with my phone. My peripheral vision found many couples here and there. I kept looking at my phone as if it looked me back. I was kinda wish my phone had Siri on it.

After centuries, finally Studio 1 has opened. I walked slowly, head up, chin up, nodded to the ticket ripper. As I entered my first step to studio, hundreds flash greeted me and paparazzi adored my braveness to watch movie alone. A little girl from nowhere came out, asked my autograph. I smiled and waved as if I won one of Oscar Award.

Yeah, you know, that only happened on my mind.

The truth is, I entered Studio 1 in a flash, looked for my seat, sat, and hoped the light turn off soon so that nobody noticed that I was alone. In fact, nobody noticed.

The movie started and in the first ten minutes, I missed my friends so badly. I missed having whispering-convos during movie. I missed sharing laughing and giggling. I missed sharing popcorn...

The next ten minutes and so on, I felt more relax. I focused myself for being present like Jamie Cat Callan taught me in her book ‘Bonjour, Happiness.’ I enjoyed myself watching giant screen before my eyes. I lost in the story. I was amazed with air-ship war and I loved the wonderful costumes Orlando Bloom and Milla Jovovich wore. The cool thing in that movie was Athos’ voice that I considered sexy.

I smiled with myself when I found sweet scenes. At that moment I realized, I have been best friend for myself for entire movie. I didn’t let awkwardness win.

‘When was the last time you did something for the first time?’

Now I’m sure what answer I may give. After watching movie on Thursday, I let myself find another first-time project to do. That question challenge me everyday to think about doing something new, something the first. It makes me appreciate every new day comes in my life.

Oh, and who knows in one of those days I will meet my significant others for the first time?

I Call It A Project of Happiness

For me, it’s not just a 2:41 minutes video. It’s more than that. It involves an awesome book, a first-time experience, and a warm-hearted feeling to make it. Sounds too much? Maybe. But it takes months before you watch the video today.

Have you ever heard that finding a perfect book is waaay better than finding a perfect date for senior high prom? I bet you never heard that before. Sure I know. I made it up. But the point is, it feels really good to have one in hand; the book, not the perfect date – in this case. That’s the feeling I felt when I found The Book of Awesome by Neil Pasricha, on 20th of July 2011. See, I even remember the date I bought that book!

The Book of Awesome made my heart melting in the first few pages. I couldn’t help smiling – and sometimes laughing – when Neil came with his awesome little thing like the smell of rain on a hot sidewalk, the moment at a concert after the lights go out and before the band comes on stage, getting something with actual handwriting on it in the mail, etc. This book didn’t need any hard effort to bring simple yet sweet happiness to me. And from that time, I knew I loved that book.

This led me to visit his 1000awesomethings.com where I could find more and more awesome things. In that website, I found a video about promo trailer of The Book of Awesome. The whole idea was pictures with words. That black and white video encouraged me to make the almost-same-me-version-video. I made it weeks later after that thought. Instead of The Book of Awesome, I made this video from The Book of (Even) More Awesome that I bought not long after the first book.

First thing to do was choosing the chapters. I couldn’t put all the chapters in a video. After few scratching here and there, I had 17 chapters. I took pictures in the following day with my digital pocket camera. Some of them I got from my photo’s stock in my notebook.

It was Saturday night when I sat and stared at my blank windows movie maker project. I never made any movie maker video before. That was my first. I was kinda sure that I was surrounded by a lucky charm and universe help for finally the video finished. I played The Wandering Kind by Josh Groban to be the backsong. And oh, because of the limited duration, I cut two chapters. For the final touch, I have a video with 15 pictures – a picture to decribe a chapter.

Here’s the deleted pictures.

 When batteries are included.

I made it blur. I thought it was cool, but that was only for a few seconds.

 When the person you’re meeting is even later than you are.

Beside that, I want to give (unimportant) behind-the-scene facts about this video:

1. I almost have a thought to change the picture of bed in my room with the one in a luxurious hotel. I refuse that thought since I know that bed in hotel must be cozy, but I want something homey, at least for me.

2. I use Josh Groban’s lyric sheets for two pictures. First is the one with ‘artsy-fartsy’ word and second is a text titled ‘If I Walk Away’.

3. I can’t help laughing when I watch 00:54 – 00:59. It’s so corny! Enough said haha!

4. The glass in the video is not mine. I borrow it from my boarding house mate. And, I should cover my legs with blanket to give more effect of ‘waking up in the morning.’

5. ‘Looking at the clock and seeing that it’s 12:34.’ I don’t get it when the first time I read it *straight face.

6. The beach is in Bangka, Sumatera. It’s called Pasir Padi Beach.

7. The last picture is a moon. Really. It’s a full moon.

8. Cloudy thingy is my favorite picture.

I imagine it this way. You?

For me, that’s not just a 2:41 minutes video. It’s more than that.

Everytime I watch this video, I can feel joy knocks my heart tenderly. Not only because I like – okay, love – the song, but also because it brings the memory of how and why I make it. I love the feeling. That’s why I call it a project of happiness.

Mozaik Duka

Otak saya selalu lambat dalam mencerna kabar buruk. Ia seperti punya sistem pertahanan yang setengah mati memanipulasi seolah semua baik-baik saja. Kabar buruk tadi ditahannya sedemikian rupa hingga tak cepat sampai ke hati. Otak kembali memainkan peran itu pada Sabtu malam, 15 Oktober 2011.

Malam itu, saya diajak teman menonton konser Wurttemberg Chamber Orchestra Heilbronn dari Jerman. Ini adalah salah satu acara dalam rangkaian Program JERIN (Jerman dan Indonesia) yang berlangsung dari Oktober 2011 hingga Februari 2012. Selama menonton konser, saya atur handphone ke posisi silent. Saya menikmati nada-nadanya yang memukau, memaksimalkan indra pendengaran saya untuk musik indah itu. Saya tak pernah tahu saat itu, kalau dua jam setelahnya, indra pendengaran jugalah yang menerima sebuah kalimat kering berisi berita duka.

Pulang ke kos jam sepuluh malam, perhatian saya baru tercurah pada total tujuh missed call yang saya terima dan satu SMS. Pasti ada sesuatu. Saya buka SMS dari adik saya di rumah. Dia bilang Budhe Tirah sakit, mohon didoakan supaya cepat sembuh. Tanpa firasat buruk, saya segera menelepon ibu. Kalimat pertama dari ibu membuat telinga saya berdenging. Ibu bilang, budhe sudah tidak ada.

Saya tidak merasakan apapun setelah kalimat pertama itu. Saya kerjapkan mata. Kering. Suara ibu yang bergetar tidak membuat saya ikut larut. Saya tanya sebab sakitnya budhe, saya tanya kapan pemakaman akan dilakukan. Di akhir telepon, saya bilang mungkin ini sudah jadi takdir Tuhan.

Setelah menelepon ibu, saya telepon adik saya yang kuliah di Bandung. Suaranya serak menerima telepon dari saya. Rupanya dia sudah tahu berita itu. Telepon berikutnya saya tujukan pada saudara di Pademangan. Sampai saya tutup telepon ketiga, perasaan saya datar saja.

Atau mungkin, terlalu datar. Mestinya saya sudah bisa membaca tanda-tanda ada yang salah dengan respon saya yang kelewat santai.

Sudah lewat satu jam dari saat berita itu disampaikan. Saya tidak bisa tidur. Saya habiskan waktu dengan menggonta-ganti channel TV. Film terakhir yang saya tonton selesai jam 3 pagi.

Tiba waktunya saya harus tidur. Mata saya sudah lelah menonton semalaman. Lampu kamar telah dipadamkan. Saya nyamankan badan, mencoba memejamkan mata. Saat itulah, gelombang kesadaran menghantam dan hati saya memberi arti kata ‘sedih’ dengan sebenar-benarnya.

Mata saya basah. Memori yang tersimpan rapat selama beberapa jam sebelumnya, keluar berserakan. Ingatan itu – ingatan tentang Budhe Tirah – bermunculan seperti pecahan mozaik; acak namun membentuk satu bayangan utuh tentang budhe.

Budhe Tirah adalah budhe yang pertama saya hapalkan namanya. Setidaknya, itu yang tercatat di buku harian ibu untuk saya. 18 Januari 1988, umur saya belum genap dua tahun. Saya mulai mengenal nama orang-orang terdekat saya. Budhe Tirah jadi salah satunya.

Budhe adalah istri dari (almarhum) kakak lelaki tertua ibu saya. Rumah kami yang berdekatan membuat kami bukan hanya bersaudara, namun juga bertetangga. Ketika masih kecil, saya takut pada budhe. Kalau saya nakal, ibu bilang budhe akan datang bawa kerikan. Saat itu, kerikan dengan bawang merah sudah bisa membuat saya nangis keras-keras.

Lama-lama, saya justru mencandu pada kerikan budhe. Setiap masuk angin sedikit saja, saya minta dikerikin. Sampai saya besar, budhe masih saja gemas karena saya punya saraf geli di hampir di seluruh punggung.

Budhe adalah orang yang memandikan bayi-bayi berumur hitungan hari yang lahir dalam keluarga besar kami. Budhe sangat ahli dalam hal ini. Oh, budhe juga sangat pandai memasak. Serius. Masakannya lebih dari enak; sedap. Yang paling khas dari budhe adalah sayur asam dan sambalnya. Oseng tempe lombok ijonya juga juara. Saya tak malu menambah nasi kalau budhe yang memasak.

Ketika saya SMA, budhe membantu menyetrika di rumah saya. Saya ingat, budhe selalu membuat tiga atau empat garis lurus mendatar di bagian bawah tengkuk pada seragam sekolah saya. Mulanya saya tak paham itu untuk apa. Saya baru sadar setelah melihat beberapa anak keren di sekolah punya garis yang sama di seragam mereka. Budhe mengangkat gengsi saya dari cara ia menyetrika.

Di malam sebelum saya berangkat ke Purwokerto untuk kuliah dan kos di sana pada pertengahan 2004, saya minta ijin budhe. Dengan mata berkaca-kaca, budhe melepas saya. Budhe memberikan saya uang. Uang, yang saya tahu pasti, nominalnya besar bagi budhe. Saya hampir tak tega menerima, tapi budhe tetap memaksa. Itu pertama kalinya saya akan terpisah jauh dari rumah. Sampai beberapa tahun setelahnya, jika saya pulang ke rumah dan bertemu budhe, budhe akan mencium pipi saya kiri-kanan seolah saya masih anak-anak.

Di awal-awal saya diterima kerja di Jakarta pada 2009, bapak-ibu menyempatkan diri main ke kos saya. Ibu membawa banyak makanan dan jajan, termasuk titipan dari budhe: kopi dan satu snack kesukaan saya. Kopi. Budhe tahu saya suka kopi. Mengingat itu sekarang membuat saya ingin menyeduh kopi dan menghirupnya dalam-dalam.

Saya tahu kematian adalah hal yang mutlak, seperti halnya dunia ini tak pernah sama dilihat dari waktu yang terus bergerak maju. Jika ada satu yang masih membuat saya tak rela, itu adalah karena cepatnya waktu mengambil budhe. Hanya sehari budhe sakit, dan langsung dipanggil oleh Tuhan. Saya tidak punya kesempatan terakhir untuk menemuinya; khusus menemuinya untuk ngobrol bersama. Budhe meninggalkan kami yang terkejut, tak habis pikir, dan susah mengerti. Atau mungkin, memang itu teka-teki yang disodorkan oleh kehidupan tentang kematian?

Saya menulis ini untuk mengenang budhe. Semoga – saya sungguh berdoa – budhe mendapat sebaik-baik tempat yang membuatnya lebih bahagia.